6 steps to Success at the office by meeks
April 19, 2012, 3:52 pm
Filed under: Humor | Tags: , ,

All the time, I get from readers: ‘Meeks, you named this project how to succeed in business. Enough with this philosophizing, just spill the goods!’

Being a pleaser, I guess, I will forego the dance and just drop the pants clothing these secrets. Below is an unadorned list of tips I gathered from these past couple weeks sure to shoot you straight to the top.

1. Don’t ask and they won’t tell
No place to park your bicycle? The storage closet seems as good as any.  No headphone wearing allowed? Work hard and you won’t be able to hear your boss’ objections over your bumpin’ tunes.

2. Never let your coworkers see you not work

Give them the illusion that you are always working! Stairwells, or another floor’s break room are ideal locations to take your breaks out of sight. If you are tired and need to take a power nap under your desk, make sure your desk is fully obscured or start draping your desk full time.

3. Always eat what people bring in

Food is office currency like cigarettes in prison. For a healthy economy to function you need to be an active player. If you are not a consumer, than what are you? Should your office consumption levels drop below a certain threshold people will wonder how you cannot want. They may begin to suspect that you are a communist.

4. Keep conversations to a MEMO length
In fact, conversations should mostly be conducted via computer, even to adjacent cubicles. That way you make sure you are never disturbing your co workers during their break time.

5. Compartmentalize

Outfits, glasses, inflections, clothes; This dichotomy will block any non-p.c. part of your real personality from potentially seeping into your work personality and vice versa. You will still be able to behave like a human being outside the office, while not risking any personal entanglements in the office.

6. Drink coffee.

It is work fuel. Most offices are aware of this, and while you have to pay for your parking spot and lunch hours, you never EVER should have to pay for coffee in the office. I believe OSHA is proposing legislation to codify this statute.

Be advised, if you are an older male and you overindulge, coworkers may suspect that you are having prostate related incontinence issues and your health insurance premiums could go up.

Follow these 6 simple guidelines and  you are in the fast last on the track to be a Future Business Leader of America (T-BLOA). I will send you dear readers off with an ode to #6:

black morning gold
you are my sunshine

3 oclock, my head throbs
for your mug